Preface: I would like to say that this has been one of the hardest, and most soul opening posts I've done. I always say that I'm going to be totally honest on here, and sometimes that is hard. I really wonder if anyone cares. But I pray that what I write helps at least one person. I know that writing it helps me work through things. So please, as you are reading this, don't judge me, or preach to me. I wrote this from my heart. I hope it helps someone out there.
I have a confession. I've been really struggling with feeling super insecure about a lot of things. I am feeling insecure about how I look, how my life is, and just basically everything in my life. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever been insecure? I think that I can safely say that all women, at some point in their lives, have been insecure at some point.
I think the worse time of insecurity is when you are in middle school, and some of high school. I was so insecure in those years. I felt like a total screw up in so many ways. I felt so fat, and so bad about so many things. I felt like I was not good at school, and not good at keeping things together, and just not good at life. I had so many people tell me that it looked like I had everything together and all, but honestly all the way through high school, I felt like I was totally falling apart inside. I hated the way I looked, I hated my personality, I even hated the way I dressed. I was a total mess inside, and trying very hard to make everyone around me think I had everything together.
As I got older, I will say, I got a little better. I met a man who thinks I'm gorgeous, and tells me that all the time. I got closer to God and started to realize that it only matters to be true to the person God made me, and care what He thinks.
I would love to say that I have everything together. I would love to say that I'm totally secure in who I am, and that I totally don't ever compare myself to other women. I totally believe that God made me perfect and that I don't dislike any part of my body, and I believe that not only in my head, but in my heart. Wasn't that funny? Ok I know. That is totally not how I am.
I still get super insecure about myself. I can not stand the way I look sometimes. I can not stand my personality sometimes. I still feel like I'm falling apart on the inside and try very hard to not let anyone see it. I look at other women, and what they have and covet it. I compare myself and find myself lacking. I am not saying this is the right way to be, but I always promise to be honest, so there it is.
So I get insecure, so I start talking non stop about something, right now its school. I feel like I've been ruining some relationships, and hurting some, because all I talk about is school. To any of you reading this to which this has been the case, I am truly sorry. I do it because I am so insecure about many things, and my coping mechanism is to just focus on one thing and work really, really hard to be perfect at it so I don't feel like a total failure.
I also totally shut down on relationships because I feel like no one would want to be friends with me. I shut down and don't want to be talk, or be with anyone. I feel so fat and ugly that I'm embarrassed to be around anyone and have them look at me. Its a vicious cycle.
I am sorry if, while I have been going through this, I have hurt or upset anyone. Its my fault, and I am sorry. I am finally starting to get to the place where I am working through things right now. I am trying to spend more time with God, and instead of comparing myself to other women, I am trying to see myself through God's eyes.
I have to say that insecurity is something that I have always struggled with, and I'm praying that I work through it. I am trying to see myself, not as a failure, but as a work in progress. No, I'm no where near perfect. I know that. But God is working on me.
I also need to see my looks as through Go's eyes. and be more confident in myself. No, I'm not 100 pounds, blonde with a size 2 waist, but I am beautiful. Ok, I still struggle to see the anything beautiful about myself, but I want to work to see myself as beautiful in the way God made me.
Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who gets insecure. But then I heard a quote that helped me to see that I am not the only one, "Every women, whether she is sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward insecure self-conscious teenager inside her.""
Is it true? I am the only one who struggles you feel less insecure? Does anyone have a specific verse that helps with being insecure? Do you have something that helps you?