Friday, June 10, 2011

2:30 am Ramblings

Its 2:30 am and I'm up. I'm not up because I have to be. I am not trying to accomplish something great or anything. I'm up because its been a very rough day and my mind just won't settle very well. Yes, I've tried reading my Bible. I tried laying in bed and listening to my husband (and cat) sleep. I tried all that. But it didn't work. I needed to relax, so I am doing the thing that really relaxes me, I'm blogging about my day.

You know a day is bad when you start it out with a nightmare about how everyone in your church is talking about you and mad at you because you have been missing so much. The dream was blown way out of proportion and was this long drawn out nightmare, but that was the gist of it. I have to say, I've been feeling guilty about the amount of church being missed and I guess it was just a dream because of that. I'm not sure why I'm feeling guilty. I don't have a real reason to. We have been missing a lot lately, but every time we missed has had a real, legitimate reason (such as grandmother being in the hospital, me having the stomach flu, me having a really bad other flu thing etc). To be totally honest, I am not guilty because I've done something bad by missing church, I'm worried about what people will think of me for missing church. I'm worried about what people in my church think of me. I know that God and I are ok with why I missed church but I worry that I'm being judged by people in the church for some reason. Isn't that ridiculous? 

Anway, that was the start of my day. I wake up to a dream about how everyone in my church is talking and mad that we are missing so much, and then feeling judged and all. Then my day goes from there. I realize we have no food in the house at all, and I'm still not feeling up to going out to get it yet (you should hear me, I sound like a cross between a frog and a cat whose tail is being pulled). Then I find out some bad news about this weekend. I won't go into what all it is, but lets say my weekend is not shaping up exactly as I had thought.

I sit down to do my homework and I realize that this assignment is due on anti-Semitism attacks and prejudice. For some maybe this would not have been bad, but for me it was really hard. I was reading all about these attacks on people and basically trying not to cry my head off as I'm writing this paper. How fun, not. 

Thankfully, bright spot in my day, I find out for sure that I get to see my mommy and little siblings this weekend. YAY I think we are going to a spring that we love to have a picnic. yay

Another thing that was happened was all tide up in our housing situation. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and I've been looking forward to moving basically since we moved in. Its really crowded and yeah no fun. There are many reasons as to why I can't wait to move, but that's one. A big one is that we think something is wrong with the AC and its making us sick a lot, which is why we've been sick so much this year, and especially lately. So we were planning on moving out into a house in August. We have been having a very hard time finding any kind of house to move to, and then today we looked at things and it looks like we may not be able to move after all with money and all unless we can somehow find a house in our price range. So sigh. I'm trying to give it to God, and work on being content but its a hard blow

I did finally get my sewing machine cranked up and started on that skirt I've wanted to work on since I got the machine in February. Honestly I've been scared. I've never sewn anything on my own, and what I sewed before (with lots of help from my mother) was a dismal failure. Well, tonight I wanted something to concentrate on that would take my mind off life. I was working hard on it, and got it all done except putting in the elastic. Then I couldn't get any elastic. The store was out and nothing else was open. I know it sounds silly, but I was so close to being done, and it felt like the last straw.

There have been a few other things, but I would say that is a lot of it. Some other things are weighing heavily, but thats a lot of it. I know, to a sane person who is not rambling at, well now its 2:45, I am probably making no sense and it seems like no big deal, but today its all kind of piled together until it all seems like a big deal. So as my husband sleeps peacefully, I will finish this up. I know that God has all my problems already handled and figured out, but to me, right now, they seem pretty rough. So here's praying that I can give it all to Him, and have some peace. Oh, and finally go to sleep.

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