Because of the infection I started an intense round of antibiotics, which the doctor hoped would basically take care of the infection and that would be the end of it. The doctor did say that if the antibiotics didn't work that I would have to have surgery. So I rested, took my antibiotics and hoped and prayed to get better.
Well, I didn't. I found out that the antibiotics did not work, and surgery is the next option. The doctor considered it serious enough that I have to have surgery tomorrow, as in Wednesday, as in yeah wow.
Right now I am just reeling. The only surgery I have ever had is my wisdom teeth taken out. I am struggling with feeling really scared, and confused honestly. I know that Christians go through hard times, at least I said I know that. But when this all happened to me, its like somehow my heart didn't know it. I struggled so much with why would God not only make me miscarry, again, but then make me sick to the point of having to have surgery.
Honestly for over a week I was just numb. I didn't feel anything for a while. I kind of just lived. My husband kept saying that something would just trigger all the emotions, and then I could finally start working through things. And of course that is what happened (wow he is so smart).
I saw something and all of a sudden, I felt, well everything at once. Honestly the pain was so intense that I just didn't know what to do. I started to feel, and it was not pleasant. I swung between just sad about the loss of my baby, being angry with God for doing this, wondering if being a Christian was even worth it, and just confusion as to why all this was happening.
I have to say writing this is not easy. I hate admitting my failings, especially in this way. I hate admitting to you that I questioned even something so basic to me as my faith in God. I also worry that someone will take it and just roll their eyes and think I am being over-dramatic. Well, that is how I felt, and I promised you all I would be completely honest with you, my dear readers. So there is me, being honest.
Anyway, I was feeling completely, well emotional. I just wasn't sure how to handle all my emotions, and everything that was going. Then two things happened that really helped me and helped me have a peace from God about the whole situation. First the song Stronger by Mandisa came on the radio. It really helped me to see that this is God making me stronger, and God is in control.
Then a dear friend sent me an encouraging note that really helped. She sent me the verses Psalms 16:8-9, which of course, was exactly what I needed to hear.
"I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope."
These verses really helped me to see that God is with me, I don't need to worry, be scared. I will be ok. He is in control. Then I was doing some reading on my own and came across Psalms 121,
"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."
These verses really spoke to me about my God, the Creator of the world, the Lord of the universe, who is watching over me, and already knows what the outcome of all this is. He hasn't thrown me, and those I love, in this situation just to torture us; He put us in the situation out of love
So tomorrow I go into surgery. I have to admit I still have some trepidation and am a little scared. But I know that my God is in control. I know that He already knows the outcome of my surgery, and this situation and He will hold me through it all.