I cannot believe that one month ago I thought I was pregnant. One month ago I was so happy. One month ago my life was completely different. I feel like I have lived an entire lifetime in one month. I have gone from one of the highest, happiest times of my life, to one of the lowest and scariest times of my life in a few short weeks. I feel like I have felt every emotion known to man.
I wish I could say that through everything, and all the emotions all I have felt towards God is thankful and worshipful, but I honestly have struggled with all that also. I have had days where I am just in awe of Him, and praise Him for whatever He is doing in my life, and other days where I am just frustrated and almost angry at Him for not only taking my baby away, but also allowing me to go through all this with my health. I know its not the good Christian thing to say, but its the honest Christian thing to say. I have struggled with understanding, though I have come to realize that many of the great people in the Bible struggled with many of the same emotions, and yet God holds them up to us as examples.
I keep thinking of Jacob. Like Jacob I am wrestling with God. I am wrestling with Him and not understanding Him. But when you read the story of Jacob and the wrestling, when he wrestled with God is when He got closer with God and God became an intimate part of His life. I can say that through all my wrestling, that I have drawn closer to God, and allowed Him to be more of a part in my life. I don't understand why He is allowing this, but I know that He has never left my side. I feel like I'm caught up in this hurricane (I"m from Florida so I understand hurricanes) of crazy emotions, bad news about my health, and physical ailments and all I can cling to is God.
I will admit I have been somewhat discouraged this week. It feels like we are never getting good news through everything. It feels almost like every time there is "well worst case is ...." its always the worst case. I have to admit I've cried to Isaiah, texted my sister in law in tears, and called my mom just needing some encouragement. My family has been such a help in helping me to stay strong when I need it. God gives them all just the words to say, when I need to hear them.
Physically I am still struggling. My body is just physically worn out. Its not like I'm sleepy tired, its just feeling like my body is physically exhausted of all its been through. I am not able to do much at all. I am still constantly throwing up, and nauseas. We think its honeslty worse than before the surgery. The good news is that I'm losing weight, but not in a healthy way. I'm barely eating, and most of the time when I do eat I throw it back up. The doctor is not sure why I am still so sick, and said that should be happening.
The doctor is also saying that there is a very big chance I will have to have a second surgery to remove my ovary. This second surgery will be much more intense than the first one was. We won't know for sure until at least after my first doctors visit (which is in a week) maybe not for a few weeks after that.
Thankfully the very intense pain is mostly gone. I only have pain when I lay in a certain position or stay in one position too long. That has been one good sign.
So please keep praying for me and Isaiah. All this has been rough on him also. We are still facing a lot of uncertainty about what will happen next, and even what is still happening to my body. It doesn't seem to be over, but I know that God is my Healer. I am claiming that and believing it. I know that He can choose to miraculously heal me, or heal me through doctors. I also believe in James 5:16 "...pray for one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much."
Thank you for all your prayer, love and support. Isaiah and I greatly appreciate it.