If you go back to my first blog post this year I said that I wanted to get healthy. So far this year I have done nothing but let myself go. I have had stress after stress and lots of excuses. I have gained weight. Its bad.
I hate the way I look. I know its not good to hate the way you look, but then some would say its not good to be content with yourself with you weigh as much as I do. So I guess no matter who I talk to, I'm not a winner. but I do hate myself. It got to the point that I don't want to go out because I'm thinking about what people are thinking about how much I weigh. I don't want to see any old friends because I wonder what they are thinking about the way I look.
I know that I may sound very self-centered, and that added to all the guilt and frustration I had. I felt that no one could love me because of my weight. It was exacerbated by the fact that people so many people started talking to me about the my weight. I know it was because they cared, but it felt like no one loved me for me.
I guess I felt like no one loved me just for my personality. I felt like if I didn't look the part, I wasn't good enough. This comes from many years of feeling fat, ugly and then hear I go, gaining weight. I just wanted to feel beautiful.
Thankfully I had Isaiah telling em I was beautiful even though I was overweight. I guess I didn't believe him. More than that, I wanted to believe that someone God had made me beautiful. I wanted to think that He loved me and had made me special. I felt like somehow He had made me beautiful and yet somehow I had messed it up and He didn't want to look at me.
I know the way I felt was wrong, but I promised to always be honest on here. So I will be honest. I still struggle with all this. Part of my resolution to get healthy was to see myself as beautiful, and I have to admit that I'm still working on that. I still feel ugly because I am overweight. I still hate the way I look. But I'm starting to accept that for some reason God made me not stick thin. He made it harder for me to lose weight. He didn't make me naturally thin, and that's ok. He made me beautiful to Him.
And I am starting to realize that I am beautiful to Isaiah. I am so thankful for a husband that sees me as beautiful no matter my weight. He tells me he thinks I'm still beautiful. I don't understand why he thinks I'm beautiful, but somehow he does.
So I'm still working through how I feel about myself, but today I started working out. I wanted to workout, and start feeling better. I hate how tired I am. I hate how I look. I don't want to lose weight through crash diets, or purging. I want to get healthy in a way that can be long term.
So I start working out. I start getting to a place that I can feel like I'm healthy and I'm happy with the way I look. I know I need to work out how I feel about the way I look.
So as you can see, I'm a work in progress. I haven't arrived. I am not perfect. I struggle, I gain weight. I'm imperfect. But I'm honest with you. I want to feel beautiful and accept myself.