Thursday, September 29, 2011

Remembering Faith

So right now is when I would have been due, if I had not had a miscarriage.Its been a rough journey. I am still going through it, and I'm not sure I will ever be fully done, but these months have been hard, and a time of great change.

And just  For those of you who have joined me since then you can find  The Day We Lost Faith. If you have never lost a child you cannot understand what it is like. The pain is hard, and it takes a while to work through. I'm not fully convinced you ever fully get through it, and it always stings.

So what have I learned since the miscarriage? I have learned that sometimes life just doesn't make sense. I love babies. I want children. I have greatly struggled to understand why God took away my baby, and gives babies to women who don't want them. Life just doesn't make sense.  But I also learned that when life doesn't make sense, and God's plan just does not make sense, all you can do is know that He has a plan, and that He is in control. I still don't understand why God took Faith away, and I'm realizing that its ok if you don't understand. But you can't lose faith.

I also learned that its ok to struggle with your faith in God. During that time I started studying my Bible and I realized that so many of the legends of faith struggled with their faith. They sometimes screamed at the sky "Why?" and felt like God had betrayed them. I felt so guilty for struggling with my faith, and feeling like I couldn't understand God. But realizing that its ok to struggle, and that God is still there to love you. And I slowly came to realize that God didn't take Faith away to hurt me somehow, or to torture, but because He loves me. I still can't understand why God took Faith, but I slowly realized that it was out of love. I don't know why, but I have faith that God will never do anything to hurt me (Jeremiah 29:11).

I learned that something like this is not something you get over quickly. I always got frustrated with people when they were still hurting a long time later, but I've realized that it takes time to work through something. Its not a few days and then you are fine. It takes a lot of time, and then sometimes certain things just trigger something.

I now am able to empathize with women who are having a hard time, and have lost children. I never had a stillborn, or had a child die after he has been living . I can't imagine what that is like. I feel like miscarriage is something we almost don't want to talk about. Its almost like women are ashamed of miscarriages. There are not many resources or information for women having a miscarriage. I've been amazed how hard it is to find information, support or resources about miscarriages. I really want there to work to help women not feel stigmatized by miscarriage, and be able to get the help they need.

I look at where my life is now, and realize how different it would be if we hadn't lost Faith. Soon after we lost her we got our cats, and we absolutely love them. I'm still in school, and for the first time, just relaxing and really enjoying my classes. I am so thankful that I'm in class and able to work towards becoming a teacher. I love where my life is right now.

So yes, I still struggle sometimes with loosing Faith. With this being the time that was the due date, its a reminder that we lost her. I have learned so much to through this, and have grown so much in my relationship with God.

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