Thursday, March 24, 2011
The Day We Lost Faith
This is hardest post to write so far, and probably one of the hardest of my life. I was debating about writing it at all. I tend to be a more private person, and come from a private family. Isaiah and I were talking one day, and he said I should. He thought it would help give me closure. Another blogger I was reading wrote about going through the same thing and I was encouraged by her bravery. Also, when I was going through it reading about other women going through similar things really encouraged and strengthened me. I hope me writing about this encourages and helps someone else.
Before I start, I want to say that I write this not to get sympathy, but to share my testimony and hopefully to help women who are, or will go through it, or maybe already have.
A few months ago I was not feeling well. I was trying to figure out why I was so sick all the time, and what was going on. I was throwing up every night, and super nauseas all day. I was so exhausted all the time too. I was wondering if I was pregnant, but kept putting that thought away. It seemed almost silly. The tiredness would not leave and I could not figure out what was going on.
Finally, one night while Isaiah was at class, I took the test. It was positive. I was pregnant. I was shocked, we had planned to wait a few years before kids. It seemed to throw my life in a tail spin. But I was excited at the same time. I love kids. I am studying to be a teacher. As a teenager I taught and worked with kids. I absolutely love kids and have always dreamed of the day I would have them.
That night I told Isaiah, who was so excited. I was still scared and worried, but the many he found out he was all smiles. He started planning when and how to tell our parents that night. He was so happy. He started talking to my stomach (a weird thing I must say) and kissing the baby goodnight (yes another odd thing). He was so happy.
I was starting to get really excited. I was looking at nursery decorations and planning things. I was praying a lot and had a peace. I was getting very excited. I couldn't wait to tell our friends and family.
Then every pregnant woman's worst fear happened. Later on, I was sitting in class and started cramping some. I was not sure if this was normal, it was my first time. I then found out I had started bleeding. I went home and could tell something was wrong. I knew what was happening. I was having a miscarriage.
I called Isaiah at work and told him. Then I called my mom and talked to her. My mom and I are best friends. We talk everyday. But that was a very hard phone call. We had not told anyone yet that we were pregnancy.
My mom understood. She has been through it. She talked to me. Isaiah came home. We were both so sad. My mom came down later that day (she lives 3 hours away) and spent time, just letting me cry. Isaiah's parents came the next day. We were so thankful for family. Our pastor and his wife really helped us through too. We are so thankful for everyone who supported and helped us.
My mom suggested naming the baby we lost, and then having some kind of ceremony to help us settle things. So we did. We named the baby we lost, Faith Elise Tamblingson, and put the things we already had for the baby in a box, such as the pregnancy test and a little Bible Isaiah's mom had gotten the baby, and us.
We did not tell many people, but we told a few. The major response we got was that everyone knows someone who has had a miscarriage or has had a miscarriage themselves. Its a pretty common, though still very painful, thing.
I will say that God really used the miscarriage to teach us a lot. God used it in a mighty way to show His love and His strength. He was so present the entire time. His love was so real to us.
For those of you who are or will go through it, (though I would never want that for anyone else) here are some things that really helped me. First was that, it is a death. It means you will go through grief. Its really hard. Don't expect just to get over it. It takes time, months later I still struggle.
There are many blogs and websites that help women cope with miscarriage. One I found was women sharing their story of stillbirth, miscarriage and lost babies. It helped me so much. It really helped me to know that other women went through it.
Also, something my mother said which really helped was that having a miscarriage is not shameful. I felt almost like I had to be ashamed, but there is nothing shameful in it. Don't be afraid to tell someone and talk it through.
Another thing is that your body is going through a lot. I couldn't get out of bed for a couple days. You should plan to be in bed for at least 3 days. I pushed myself too soon. I am one of those people that wants everyone to think I'm doing ok so I pushed hard to get back into classes and be normal. But I wish I would have rested more. Also, get to a doctor. I didn't right away and I wish I would have.
I would very much suggest naming the baby and having some kind of ceremony. Some people do it just the two of them, some do it as a family. I know it sounds weird, and before I had a miscarriage I do not know what I would have thought, but now I am so glad we did. It really helped us cope.
As a wife, I was not sure how to help Isaiah. A big thing for him was to be able to go off alone and work through the grief his own way. The father grieves and struggles too, I think they get forgotten sometimes. As the mother of the baby, don't forget them.
A few suggestions for those who are trying to help someone going through a miscarriage. Be supportive. Just be there for them. Isaiah and I grieved in different ways, but we were both so thankful for the family and friends who were there for us. They talked to us, prayed for us and just listened as we talked. Another thing is to remember that it is a death, and they are grieving. Don't expect them to be ok or back to normal right away. It takes time. Finally, the mother will be going through a lot physically. It took me about two weeks before I felt ok again. So help the mother with younger kids, housework or food. A big help was someone bringing or getting Isaiah and I food. So if you know someone who is going through it, just please be there for them.
If you are having a miscarriage, talk to someone. Share your struggles. Let people help and take care of you. I am always here for you too. If you, as a mother going through a miscarriage, or someone trying to help someone going through a miscarriage, please email me. Also, if a father going through it wants someone to talk to, Isaiah would love to help too. We would love to pray for you, and do what we can.
As I said before, I do not write this to get sympathy, or to look like a martyr, but to hopefully help someone. I pray this really helps someone going through it in writing about the day we lost Faith.