Remembering Faith

So right now is when I would have been due, if I had not had a miscarriage.Its been a rough journey. I am still going through it, and I'm not sure I will ever be fully done, but these months have been hard, and a time of great change.

And just  For those of you who have joined me since then you can find  The Day We Lost Faith. If you have never lost a child you cannot understand what it is like. The pain is hard, and it takes a while to work through. I'm not fully convinced you ever fully get through it, and it always stings.

So what have I learned since the miscarriage? I have learned that sometimes life just doesn't make sense. I love babies. I want children. I have greatly struggled to understand why God took away my baby, and gives babies to women who don't want them. Life just doesn't make sense.  But I also learned that when life doesn't make sense, and God's plan just does not make sense, all you can do is know that He has a plan, and that He is in control. I still don't understand why God took Faith away, and I'm realizing that its ok if you don't understand. But you can't lose faith.

I also learned that its ok to struggle with your faith in God. During that time I started studying my Bible and I realized that so many of the legends of faith struggled with their faith. They sometimes screamed at the sky "Why?" and felt like God had betrayed them. I felt so guilty for struggling with my faith, and feeling like I couldn't understand God. But realizing that its ok to struggle, and that God is still there to love you. And I slowly came to realize that God didn't take Faith away to hurt me somehow, or to torture, but because He loves me. I still can't understand why God took Faith, but I slowly realized that it was out of love. I don't know why, but I have faith that God will never do anything to hurt me (Jeremiah 29:11).

I learned that something like this is not something you get over quickly. I always got frustrated with people when they were still hurting a long time later, but I've realized that it takes time to work through something. Its not a few days and then you are fine. It takes a lot of time, and then sometimes certain things just trigger something.

I now am able to empathize with women who are having a hard time, and have lost children. I never had a stillborn, or had a child die after he has been living . I can't imagine what that is like. I feel like miscarriage is something we almost don't want to talk about. Its almost like women are ashamed of miscarriages. There are not many resources or information for women having a miscarriage. I've been amazed how hard it is to find information, support or resources about miscarriages. I really want there to work to help women not feel stigmatized by miscarriage, and be able to get the help they need.

I look at where my life is now, and realize how different it would be if we hadn't lost Faith. Soon after we lost her we got our cats, and we absolutely love them. I'm still in school, and for the first time, just relaxing and really enjoying my classes. I am so thankful that I'm in class and able to work towards becoming a teacher. I love where my life is right now.

So yes, I still struggle sometimes with loosing Faith. With this being the time that was the due date, its a reminder that we lost her. I have learned so much to through this, and have grown so much in my relationship with God.

Holiday Traditions

So our families are planning the holiday celebrations, and Isaiah and I are trying to figure out  what traditions we want to have, and how to mesh our families and all that fun stuff with being a new family. Things like Christmas is a huge thing for my family, and I love Christmas, and Isaiah's families big deal is Thanksgiving. How do we celebrate things and mesh our separate family traditions into a new Tamblingson family tradition set. 

We know that some members of our family will not agree with everything we do, or feel hurt that we are not including certain traditions, and dealing with that has been hard for me. I want to make everyone happy, but I am starting to realize (after a year plus of marriage) that you can't make everyone happy in both families, and you have to make a new family together.

I think its taken getting to this point for me to realize that its not just two families meshing together, its a new family being created. How do you balance two families coming together, and yet still make your own family? Does it get easier once you have kids? 

Ugh, I don't like all these questions. I am so thankful that we have family that wants to celebrate with us, and that have given us some great traditions. I love our families, and wouldn't want to change them. They have passed on some great traditions and holidays to us, and now we have to figure out how to bring everything together.

So right now we are trying to figure out what is us? Last year we tried to make things our own, but we were also just married and it was a crazy time so we didn't really create traditions as much. But this year I am hoping we can really create traditions for us as a family. 

I would love to hear from you all. How did you mesh your families into a new family? What traditions are important to you (this is for the non-married folks too)? What suggestions do you have?

When We Grow Up

I was talking to a friend (who happens to also be named Katie) that I knew when I was 7. We were in the same homeschool small group. We knew each other then, and reconnected lately. Tonight we were talking about something that has got me thinking.

We were both products of homeschooling, stay at home moms who stressed to us the need to be stay at home moms, but who also encouraged us to follow our dreams in school. We were talking about how our generation, as a whole, is in a dilemma right now. 

Our parents generation was basically a backlash against the hippy's sixities era. They focused on lots of work, and making money. Now our generation seems to be making a backlash against that idea. We are trying to figure out who we are and what we will do. Will we focus on money, as our parents tended to do, or will we focus more on things less easy to quantify? 

It seems we are more and more trying to figure out our own way. Compared to our parents, many more mothers are staying home with their children, foregoing a career to stay home. My generation has a huge focus on serving others and helping those less fortunate. We are, however, a very selfish generation. We are a generation trying to figure out what we want to do when we grow up.

This dilemma is very recognizable in girls like Katie and I. We were both raised by wonderful women who put their lives into homeschooling and raising a family. Our friends were, for a large part, other homeschooling children. We had wonderful examples of woman as wife and mother. We are also encouraged to follow our dreams. Some of us go to college and gain an education. Some of us intern and work. Some of us are involved in ministry. Some of us are preparing to follow our dreams as a homemaker.

So what will we do? Many of us really want to home-school our children, and follow in our mother's footsteps. Many of us can't wait to be wives and mothers. We have that yearning to follow in our mother's footsteps. Many of us, however, are also pursuing other interests. So what do we do? The generation of our parents, which most of our mother's went against, was greatly for a working mother. Our generation is more encouraging of stay at homes, and there are far more resources to help us home-school. But we are also putting all this time into our education, and wanting to change the world.

I am not saying that being a wife and mother is somehow less lofty than a career, or ministry. I believe that they are all lofty goals that God can call you too. As you know, I am a wife, and I can't wait to be a mother. But my generation, especially those of us that grew up home-schooled or with stay at home mothers are working through this.

If we do home-school, how will we do it? Our parents had a very strict idea of homeschooling. Many times it meant a home-school family looked, acted and learned a certain way. Home-schooling was diverse, but now it is so much more so. There is so much opportunity for home-school. I think that my generation also backlashed against the idea of "the perfect home-school family". After growing up, we had enough and realized we wanted something more. But what is that something more? Can we home-school? How will we home-school?

Some girls I know are totally going the opposite way. They want a career. They want to be different than their mothers. While others I know can't wait to be like their mother. So what will the girls of my generation choose? And if we do home-school how will we do? Will we be different than our mother's? When will we figure things out? 

What will we do when we grow up?

Legalism

Today I'm thinking about legalism. What exactly is legalism? I've heard so many different definitions, but none seem to quite cut it. It seems that everyone knows what it is, and can easily say "oh that's legalistic" but not many people can put a good definition on legalism.

Sometimes it seems that the word legalism is thrown around whenever someone's convictions are more stringent than your own. Its easy to dismiss a person as legalistic when you don't agree with their convictions, but when someone calls you legalistic about something you get up in arms. What is it about legalism that has us so up in arms?

The basic question I guess is what is legalism? Is it just a blanket word to throw around when someone happens to have stricter convictions than ours? Or does it mean something about how you gain salvation? Or does it mean something about "the spirit of the law" vs "the letter of the law"?

Dictionary.com defines legalism as "strict adherence, or the principle of strict adherence, to law or prescription, especially to the letter rather than the spirit." and "the doctrine that salvation is gained through goodworks"


But I'm not sure that fully captures legalism. I can see it working. I can see it in the person who refuses to be friends with someone because they do not have the same convictions. I can see it in the child who tattles on his siblings because he feels they are not following the rules set out exactly. I can see it in the person who talks about someone behind their back just because they feel that their convictions are not strict enough. I see it in the person who feels like they are closer to God because their convictions are different. 


I think the definition needs to be when someone uses their convictions as a standard for everyone else. 


I have to admit, I am definitely guilty of doing this. I have looked down my nose at other people just because our convictions on something were different. Its easy to do. Human nature wants to feel more important than other people. It wants to puff itself up.


I do want to say that not wanting to be legalistic does not give license to allow your brother to sin. If you see your brother in blatant sin, and lovingly talk to him, that is not legalism. Legalism is about convictions, not blatant sin.


Legalism is something that, when it rears its ugly head, can destroy churches, friends and families. It is directly linked to pride, and kills love. God calls us to love our Christian brothers and sisters, and in 1 Corinthians 13:8 God talks about love and what it is not.


"Charity suffereth long, and is kind; charity envieth not; charity vaunteth not itself, is not puffed up,"


Love is not puffed up. That is exactly what happens when legalism starts. We get all puffed up in how good of a Christian we are, and lose love. How abhorrent of a thing legalism is. 


I know that I have to continually be on the watch for legalism. Its easy for it slowly creep up in my life, and drown my love for people. Its something that can easily happen and when it does, not harms my life, my relationship with God, and those I love.

A Terrible Wife

I am a bad wife. Ok its out there. I almost feel better now. I am a bad wife because I hate cleaning. I love baking, but I don't like to cook. I have a hard time keeping up with everything in the house, and my school. i feel like my school sometimes takes over. My husband has to help me with the house. And, on the final list of bad wife traits, sometimes I just get overwhelmed and totally fall apart and Isaiah has to pick her up off the floor. So there you go, I am a terrible wife.

I look at other wives, and their well kept homes, and their seeming put togetherness and I cringe.I feel like I am a terrible wife because I don't enjoy doing all this. I feel like I need to take a wife pill and become a better wife. I wish.

Ok Im done. I promise. Do any of you ever feel like that? I had these dreams of what I would be like as a wife, and they definitely have not come true. I am not sure if its because I am just busy with school, and trying to keep up with all that? Is it because I just don't like doing it? Is it because I just need to deal with it? Or is it because I'm a terrible wife?

I don't know. Sometimes I feel like the only wife who feels this way? Do any of you ever feel like a terrible wife? Do you ever feel like you can't keep up with everything in the house? Do you ever just cringe at the thought of cleaning the house again?

I would love any advice. I don't mean the advice just to work harder and deal with it. I mean some advice. I woud love to hear from someone who has felt this way and gotten through it.