Its a BOY!!!

So we were supposed to find out the gender of baby T on May 15. We had been getting so many comments and questions about the gender and when we would find out. I was so excited to find out for sure what it was, though we were pretty sure we knew what it was.

Since we found out we were pregnant Isaiah and I had been pretty sure we were having a girl. We had called the baby "little girl". Most people in our life thought it was a girl. Everyone seemed so sure. We were so sure we had only picked out a girl's name. Isaiah was so sure that it was a girl he didn't want to even think about boy's names. I had a little girl's nursery all picked out.

Well I went in for a routine doctor's appointment and the midwife I was seeing that day couldn't find the baby's heartbeat. She wanted me to get an ultrasound just to make sure everything was ok. I honestly didn't complain because I got to see the baby. The ultrasound tech said everything looks great, but do you want to know the gender. Though I wasn't expecting to find out the gender at that point, I jumped at the chance. She said, "well its definitely a little boy."

I have to admit, I was totally shocked. I was so excited though. I couldn't stop smiling. I then had to tell Isaiah. I went by his work to tell him in person, and he wasn't there. I couldn't hold it in. I was thrilled. I called him and he told him. He was so shocked. He had been so sure, but he was excited.

After finding out it was a boy, we had to rethink, well everything. I started looking at new nursery ideas, that would work for a little man. And then we had to start working on a name.

I settled on a nursery but we were still very stumped on a name. It was not easy to give someone a name they would have for the rest of their life! Finally one night at about 11 pm Isaiah texted me a name, though he was about 20 feet away. I loved it! So we finally decided on the name.

Our little boy's name will be Seth Jacob. I can't wait to meet little Seth. He is such a miracle from God. I never imagined being on this journey right now. Its been a crazy journey, but God has been so real and has given me His strength when I felt like I had no more strength.

Post-Surgery Update

I want to start this post out by saying how much both Isaiah and I appreciate all the love and support we have gotten through this very rough time in our lives. So many people have come up beside us and prayed and loved on us through everything. We really can't thank you enough. Your love and support have really encouraged us. 

I cannot believe that one month ago I thought I was pregnant. One month ago I was so happy. One month ago my life was completely different. I feel like I have lived an entire lifetime in one month. I have gone from one of the highest, happiest times of my life, to one of the lowest and scariest times of my life in a few short weeks. I feel like I have felt every emotion known to man.

I wish I could say that through everything, and all the emotions all I have felt towards God is thankful and worshipful, but I honestly have struggled with all that also. I have had days where I am just in awe of Him, and praise Him for whatever He is doing in my life, and other days where I am just frustrated and almost angry at Him for not only taking my baby away, but also allowing me to go through all this with my health. I know its not the good Christian thing to say, but its the honest Christian thing to say. I have struggled with understanding, though I have come to realize that many of the great people in the Bible struggled with many of the same emotions, and yet God holds them up to us as examples. 

I keep thinking of Jacob. Like Jacob I am wrestling with God. I am wrestling with Him and not understanding Him. But when you read the story of Jacob and the wrestling, when he wrestled with God is when He got closer with God and God became an intimate part of His life. I can say that through all my wrestling, that I have drawn closer to God, and allowed Him to be more of a part in my life. I don't understand why He is allowing this, but I know that He has never left my side. I feel like I'm caught up in this hurricane (I"m from Florida so I understand hurricanes) of crazy emotions, bad news about my health, and physical ailments and all I can cling to is God.

I will admit I have been somewhat discouraged this week. It feels like we are never getting good news through everything. It feels almost like every time there is "well worst case is ...." its always the worst case. I have to admit I've cried to Isaiah, texted my sister in law in tears, and called my mom just needing some encouragement. My family has been such a help in helping me to stay strong when I need it. God gives them all just the words to say, when I need to hear them. 

Physically I am still struggling. My body is just physically worn out. Its not like I'm sleepy tired, its just feeling like my body is physically exhausted of all its been through. I am not able to do much at all.  I am still constantly throwing up, and nauseas. We think its honeslty worse than before the surgery. The good news is that I'm losing weight, but not in a healthy way. I'm barely eating, and most of the time when I do eat I throw it back up. The doctor is not sure why I am still so sick, and said that should be happening.

The doctor is also saying that there is a very big chance I will have to have a second surgery to remove my ovary. This second surgery will be much more intense than the first one was. We won't know for sure until at least after my first doctors visit (which is in a week) maybe not for a few weeks after that. 

Thankfully the very intense pain is mostly gone. I only have pain when I lay in a certain position or stay in one position too long. That has been one good sign.

So please keep praying for me and Isaiah. All this has been rough on him also. We are still facing a lot of uncertainty about what will happen next, and even what is still happening to my body. It doesn't seem to be over, but I know that God is my Healer. I am claiming that and believing it. I know that He can choose to miraculously heal me, or heal me through doctors. I also believe in James 5:16 "...pray for one for another, that ye may be healed. The effectual prayer of a righteous man availeth much." 

Thank you for all your prayer, love and support. Isaiah and I greatly appreciate it. 

An Update on Me, and What I'm Learning about God

Hello dear readers. Wow how fast life can change in one month. It was less than a month ago that I announced I was pregnant. I look back over this month and feel kind of like its been a lifetime in one short month. Anyway, one month ago I announced I was pregnant ( a little less but you get the picture). Then I found out that I wasn't pregnant, and something was wrong with me, and they had no clue what it was. Then I found out that I miscarried and got a very bad infection.

Because of the infection I started an intense round of antibiotics, which the doctor hoped would basically take care of the infection and that would be the end of it. The doctor did say that if the antibiotics didn't work that I would have to have surgery. So I rested, took my antibiotics and hoped and prayed to get better.

Well, I didn't. I found out that the antibiotics did not work, and surgery is the next option. The doctor considered it serious enough that I have to have surgery tomorrow, as in Wednesday, as in yeah wow.

Right now I am just reeling. The only surgery I have ever had is my wisdom teeth taken out. I am struggling with feeling really scared, and confused honestly. I know that Christians go through hard times, at least I said I know that. But when this all happened to me, its like somehow my heart didn't know it. I struggled so much with why would God not only make me miscarry, again, but then make me sick to the point of having to have surgery.

Honestly for over a week I was just numb. I didn't feel anything for a while. I kind of just lived. My husband kept saying that something would just trigger all the emotions, and then I could finally start working through things. And of course that is what happened (wow he is so smart).

I saw something and all of a sudden, I felt, well everything at once. Honestly the pain was so intense that I just didn't know what to do. I started to feel, and it was not pleasant. I swung between just sad about the loss of my baby, being angry with God for doing this, wondering if being a Christian was even worth it, and just confusion as to why all this was happening.

 I have to say writing this is not easy. I hate admitting my failings, especially in this way. I hate admitting to you that I questioned even something so basic to me as my faith in God. I also worry that someone will take it and just roll their eyes and think I am being over-dramatic. Well, that is how I felt, and I promised you all I would be completely honest with you, my dear readers. So there is me, being honest.

Anyway, I was feeling completely, well emotional. I just wasn't sure how to handle all my emotions, and everything that was going. Then two things happened that really helped me and helped me have a peace from God about the whole situation. First the song Stronger by Mandisa came on the radio. It really helped me to see that this is God making me stronger, and God is in control.

Then a dear friend sent me an encouraging note that really helped. She sent me the verses Psalms 16:8-9, which of course, was exactly what I needed to hear.

"I have set the LORD always before me: because he is at my right hand, I shall not be moved.Therefore my heart is glad, and my glory rejoiceth: my flesh also shall rest in hope."

These verses really helped me to see that God is with me, I don't need to worry, be scared. I will be ok. He is in control. Then I was doing some reading on my own and came across Psalms 121, 

"I will lift up mine eyes unto the hills, from whence cometh my help. My help cometh from the LORD, which made heaven and earth. He will not suffer thy foot to be moved: he that keepeth thee will not slumber. Behold, he that keepeth Israel shall neither slumber nor sleep. The LORD is thy keeper: the LORD is thy shade upon thy right hand. The sun shall not smite thee by day, nor the moon by night. The LORD shall preserve thee from all evil: he shall preserve thy soul.The LORD shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

These verses really spoke to me about my God, the Creator of the world, the Lord of the universe, who is watching over me, and already knows what the outcome of all this is. He hasn't thrown me, and those I love, in this situation just to torture us; He put us in the situation out of love 

So tomorrow I go into surgery. I have to admit I still have some trepidation and am a little scared. But I know that my God is in control. I know that He already knows the outcome of my surgery, and this situation and He will hold me through it all.

My New Adventure

It has officially been a year that I have had this blog. This blog has seen me through some very low points this year, (2 miscarriages etc) and some high points (graduating, starting USF etc). So many people are using this time at the start of the year to look forward, and backwards at what last year held, and what we can look forward to this year.

So much has happened last year, and this upcoming year holds a lot of changes for us. This summer we are moving back to North Florida. We will be closer to our families, which will be nice, and Isaiah will be starting a new job. Isaiah graduates in May. But probably the biggest change in our lives this year will be a new addition to our family.

Yes, we are expecting a BABY!!!!!! Can you tell I'm excited? But yes, we are expecting in July. I have to say, its been hard keeping it a secret from you, my dear readers. But I can finally spill the beans, and spill I am. Right now I am 10 weeks, and starting to show!

We actually bought our first baby thing the other week. We found an adorable consignment shop near us, and they had the sweetest little rocking horse. We got it. I know its not one of those necessities, but it helped it all hit for me.

Its all starting to sink in. We are looking at nursery ideas, and name ideas. I am super sick well all the time. I am looking forward to moving past that! The sickness would be part of the reason I haven't posted much lately. I honestly haven't felt up to it.

I would ask that you all please be praying for us. Because of our previous miscarriages, its a little scary. I'm working on giving all my cares to God and letting Him handle them, but its been stressful.

Because I'm so excited I wanted to do something historical (well historical for Kady Did). I am doing not one, but two baby themed giveaways (but these giveaways are great for not just mothers etc, but everyone!).I'm calling it Babypalooza. I am so excited. These women helping me announce my pregnancy are awesome, and have some great stuff to offer.

Now I promise that my blog will still feature things God is teaching, and random stuff about my life. It probably will focus on baby T some, but I don't want it to just become a mommy blog. So here is working on making it relevant to others, and God focused!

God has blessed our family in a huge way and we are so excited! Dear readers, come join me in my new adventure!

Making Our Home

Hi. Yes I am still alive. I know I have been totally out of the blogging world lately, but I am still alive. We are crazily trying to unpack right now, and clean up the old apartment. School starts next week and we are also getting everything ready for that.

I can't wait to post pictures, but I also want to get things a little more set up before I do. I can't tell you how wonderful it is to be in this place. I finally feel like I am at home. Our apartment never fully felt like home. It felt like a place we were living, but I never felt at home. It was always beyond messy and super cluttered. So many people would make comments about it that made me feel like trash. I hated the comments and the looks. It made me feel like I was a failure as a person. I was trying so hard to make it a home and it was not working.

This place feels like home. Its so wonderful. Its a feeling that I have felt only a few times in my life. My family moved around so much that I had a hard time letting myself feel like I could really feel at home anywhere. Then I moved so much after I left home and then the apartment. I really feel at home here. Its a wonderful feeling.

Our home is coming together. I have a lot of dreams and ideas for our new home, and I can't wait to act them out. Right now I am just unpacking and getting things together. I will post pictures once I have a few more things put together and a few more boxes unpacked.

The biggest thing that has to be done is to get some curtains. We had blinds that came with the old apartment, and so we didn't have to have curtains. Right now we have sheets, blankets etc tacked to the windows with thumbtacks until we can get some curtains put up.

I am so excited. I am so happy that I get to make this house a home. Its such a wonderful feeling to be working on making a home for my little family. I always feel complete when I'm working on the house. I have to say that I love making a little home.

My Bucket List

I was talking to a friend this week about my bucket list. I realized that I have never actually written my bucket list. So I thought I would write it down, and then see how far I can come on it. I will add stuff to this list, but here is a start.

1. Spend a week in New York City. (note: I have been to NYC but I was young and did not appreciate it, so I want a redo)

2. Go on a cruise.

3. Go skiing not on a bunny slope.

4. Make a flan.

5. Be in a play, or serious skit.(like a skit which people practice for m ore than 5 minutes before its supposed to happen)

6. Visit Ellis Island/Statue of Liberty.

7. Take a trip to visit all of the major  historical sites in the South.

8. Read the dictionary straight through.

9. Read the Bible completely through in a year. (I start this basically every year and never finish)

10. Take a trip to Europe.

11. Visit Israel and take a trek through the Holy Land.

12. Try Nutella.

13. Help coordinate a wedding. A dream I have is to coordinate a wedding, or intern with a wedding coordinator.

14. Own a car.

15. Lay in a random meadow with wildflowers and have the wildflowers be so high it hides me.

16. Fly first class.

17. Work, or volunteer, in a museum.

18. Have a beta fish.

19. Live in an antique, 1900's esque house. (is antique the right word here? no clue)

20. Get a locket.

So this is not an exhaustive list. I did not include anything about starting a family, or having kids, because honestly that is something very different from this list. It is something I really want, but this list is just fun things.

I also did not add anything about my relationships with God, Isaiah or family because I feel like that is separate from this also.

Hope you enjoyed reading my list.

Feeling Insecure

Preface: I would like to say that this has been one of the hardest, and most soul opening posts I've done. I always say that I'm going to be totally honest on here, and sometimes that is hard. I really wonder if anyone cares. But I pray that what I write helps at least one person. I know that writing it helps me work through things. So please, as you are reading this, don't judge me, or preach to me. I wrote this from my heart. I hope it helps someone out there. 

I have a confession. I've been really struggling with feeling super insecure about a lot of things. I am feeling insecure about how I look, how my life is, and just basically everything in my life. Have you ever felt like that? Have you ever been insecure? I think that I can safely say that all women, at some point in their lives, have been insecure at some point. 

I think the worse time of insecurity is when you are in middle school, and some of high school. I was so insecure in those years. I felt like a total screw up in so many ways. I felt so fat, and so bad about so many things. I felt like I was not good at school, and not good at keeping things together, and just not good at life. I had so many people tell me that it looked like I had everything together and all, but honestly all the way through high school, I felt like I was totally falling apart inside. I hated the way I looked, I hated my personality, I even hated the way I dressed. I was a total mess inside, and trying very hard to make everyone around me think I had everything together. 

As I got older, I will say, I got a little better. I met a man who thinks I'm gorgeous, and tells me that all the time. I got closer to God and started to realize that it only matters to be true to the person God made me, and care what He thinks. 

I would love to say that I have everything together. I would love to say that I'm totally secure in who I am, and that I totally don't ever compare myself to other women. I totally believe that God made me perfect and that I don't dislike any part of my body, and I believe that not only in my head, but in my heart. Wasn't that funny? Ok I know. That is totally not how I am.

I still get super insecure about myself. I can not stand the way I look sometimes. I can not stand my personality sometimes. I still feel like I'm falling apart on the inside and try very hard to not let anyone see it. I look at other women, and what they have and covet it. I compare myself and find myself lacking. I am not saying this is the right way to be, but I always promise to be honest, so there it is.

So I get insecure, so I start talking non stop about something, right now its school. I feel like I've been ruining some relationships, and hurting some, because all I talk about is school. To any of you reading this to which this has been the case, I am truly sorry. I do it because I am so insecure about many things, and my coping mechanism is to just focus on one thing and work really, really hard to be perfect at it so I don't feel like a total failure.

I also totally shut down on relationships because I feel like no one would want to be friends with me. I shut down and don't want to be talk, or be with anyone. I feel so fat and ugly that I'm embarrassed to be around anyone and have them look at me. Its a vicious cycle.

I am sorry if, while I have been going through this, I have hurt or upset anyone. Its my fault, and I am sorry. I am finally starting to get to the place where I am working through things right now. I am trying to spend more time with God, and instead of comparing myself to other women, I am trying to see myself through God's eyes.

I have to say that insecurity is something that I have always struggled with, and I'm praying that I work through it. I am trying to see myself, not as a failure, but as a work in progress. No, I'm no where near perfect. I know that. But God is working on me. 

I also need to see my looks as through Go's eyes. and be more confident in myself. No, I'm not 100 pounds, blonde with a size 2 waist, but I am beautiful. Ok, I still struggle to see the anything beautiful about myself, but I want to work to see myself as beautiful in the way God made me. 

Sometimes I wonder if I am the only one who gets insecure. But then I heard a quote that helped me to see that I am not the only one, "Every women, whether she is sixteen or sixty, still has that awkward insecure self-conscious teenager inside her.""

Is it true? I am the only one who struggles you feel less insecure? Does anyone have a specific verse that helps with being insecure? Do you have something that helps you? 

Life Right Now

I know that I have not been posting much lately, but honestly life has been happening and sitting down and posting to the blog has taken a back seat. It probably will for about two weeks still. I have two weeks left of classes and then I am done with my AA. I'm so excited! But the next two weeks will be absolutely killer. I wish I could post a picture of my school planner. There are like three things due each day, and I'm behind. Oh joy. But I just keep thinking about my graduation and then about having a month off. I can't wait.

I'm just struggling with keeping everything going. Its a real struggle to keep the house together and take killer classes. I am totally failing right now. Honestly all I want to do is sew, sew and sew. Have you ever felt like that? You just wanted to let the house fall apart and the dishes pile up and the food not get cooked and just quit? I know its not the right attitude but its a struggle right now. I feel like with school and housework something always has to give, not to mention trying to tack on keeping up a relationship with my husband.

I guess that this part of life, but it seems like I'm on this never ending treadmill that is the dishes, the laundry, cleaning and homework. As soon as one thing gets done than another has built up. The laundry right now is overflowing.

I know that this is just a time in my life and that someday having all this homework will pass, though the housework will not. I am so thankful for a husband who has been so helpful in picking up on the things that slip. He is truly a wonderful man.

So what is God showing me through this? Well that I can only rely on Him. I need to put a top priority on my relationship with Him and then on my relationship with my husband. Something I've been thinking a lot about lately is about things lasting. When I look back on my life what will I remember that matters? Will I remember that the laundry was always perfectly done? Will I remember that my husband had a homecooked meal every day of his life? Or will I remember the time I spent with my husband? Will I remember the fact that I worked hard and finished school? Will I remember most of all that I spent time with my Lord?

Its something that God has really been teaching me. Instead of looking at all I have to do, I need to look at the long term (and even eternal) significance of what I am doing. I always wonder if when I am at the end of my life, what will I look back on and be glad that I did and what will I look back on and wish that I hadn't spent so much time on. Would I wish that I had stopped and just talked to my husband and not worried about all the housework?

Of course I am not saying that I am going to let the house totally go down hill and just not care, because that is not what God would want, but I am saying that maybe I shouldn't worry as much about things that don't matter as much as spending time with my husband and with my God.

Happenings in the Tamblingson Household

I know I haven't been posting much lately, but honestly life has been so crazy. But on this lazy Friday night while the husband is playing with a cat, and on his computer, I thought I would share some of my life.

So big news, you know how a while ago I said I wanted an iphone. Well Isaiah surprised me after he got off work and placed one in my hands. He figured it out (I still don't get how) that to get an iphone, and go on his plan (yeah we were still on separate plans) and get an iphone for me. So I'm super excited. I've had so much fun tonight playing around with it. I'm looking for good apps, so if you have a must have app, let me know.

But bigger thing is that we are moving in August to a bona fide house!!! I have been dreaming of this for a long time. You know how a lot of girls dream of their weddings all of their lives? Well I dreamed of my first house. We live in a one bedroom apartment. When we first got married I got so overwhelmed with trying to decorate it that I failed and just haven't redone it so its a total wreck. But now I get to start over and now I have a better idea of how not to ruin it and I can start afresh.

Its a total God thing how this happened. We had wanted to move to a house since we got married. We thought it was would work out. Then I was looking at our finances and realized there is no way we could afford it. I got really discouraged but then thought well we can move to a two bedroom apartment and that will work. Isaiah met with the leasing office and they told him that the prices of apartments. To stay in our apartment we are in now, the price would be raised drastically, and a two bedroom would be out of the question.

I had given it all to God and really was content with whatever. It was something I had really struggled with all year, especially when other women would come over and say my house was terrible looking and how could I live here. It was a real struggle for me. It was a real test in loving my husband and not getting frustrated over his mess, and not nagging. And a lesson in not caring so much what other people thought about things. As a woman, that is a hard lesson to learn.

Anyway, I had given it to God, though I really didn't want to stay here. We realized there was no way we could move, and even to stay where we were would be very difficult. Isaiah was going to have to ask for a raise, and it would be really, really rough. We figured all this out Monday. I was so upset, but I knew God was in control and had an unexplainable peace about it all.

Before all this my mom had reminded me that my grandmother had left a little money in a trust that I could get when I enter my junior year of college. She talked to the person in charge of the trust and called me Tuesday. Turns out the trust would cover some housing expenses. I was really excited. I talked to the person and we figured out that with the trust we could rent a house!

We so knew it was God working all this out. So Wednesday night, after Isaiah got out of school, we drove around our area. We only had one person we actually got in touch with, who owned this adorable little yellow house. They set up a time to meet us today. We looked at it today and it is so cute, and seems perfect for us for right now. We haven't made the final decision, but unless something else comes around that we can see God is really wanting more, this will be it.

Its one of those things that you can clearly see God working. I went from we may not even afford the place we are at, to now we can get an adorable sweet house. WOW

I am getting all kinds of fun decorating ideas. I will probably post them in the next few days. I can't wait to share them with you all.

2:30 am Ramblings

Its 2:30 am and I'm up. I'm not up because I have to be. I am not trying to accomplish something great or anything. I'm up because its been a very rough day and my mind just won't settle very well. Yes, I've tried reading my Bible. I tried laying in bed and listening to my husband (and cat) sleep. I tried all that. But it didn't work. I needed to relax, so I am doing the thing that really relaxes me, I'm blogging about my day.

You know a day is bad when you start it out with a nightmare about how everyone in your church is talking about you and mad at you because you have been missing so much. The dream was blown way out of proportion and was this long drawn out nightmare, but that was the gist of it. I have to say, I've been feeling guilty about the amount of church being missed and I guess it was just a dream because of that. I'm not sure why I'm feeling guilty. I don't have a real reason to. We have been missing a lot lately, but every time we missed has had a real, legitimate reason (such as grandmother being in the hospital, me having the stomach flu, me having a really bad other flu thing etc). To be totally honest, I am not guilty because I've done something bad by missing church, I'm worried about what people will think of me for missing church. I'm worried about what people in my church think of me. I know that God and I are ok with why I missed church but I worry that I'm being judged by people in the church for some reason. Isn't that ridiculous? 

Anway, that was the start of my day. I wake up to a dream about how everyone in my church is talking and mad that we are missing so much, and then feeling judged and all. Then my day goes from there. I realize we have no food in the house at all, and I'm still not feeling up to going out to get it yet (you should hear me, I sound like a cross between a frog and a cat whose tail is being pulled). Then I find out some bad news about this weekend. I won't go into what all it is, but lets say my weekend is not shaping up exactly as I had thought.

I sit down to do my homework and I realize that this assignment is due on anti-Semitism attacks and prejudice. For some maybe this would not have been bad, but for me it was really hard. I was reading all about these attacks on people and basically trying not to cry my head off as I'm writing this paper. How fun, not. 

Thankfully, bright spot in my day, I find out for sure that I get to see my mommy and little siblings this weekend. YAY I think we are going to a spring that we love to have a picnic. yay

Another thing that was happened was all tide up in our housing situation. We live in a tiny one bedroom apartment and I've been looking forward to moving basically since we moved in. Its really crowded and yeah no fun. There are many reasons as to why I can't wait to move, but that's one. A big one is that we think something is wrong with the AC and its making us sick a lot, which is why we've been sick so much this year, and especially lately. So we were planning on moving out into a house in August. We have been having a very hard time finding any kind of house to move to, and then today we looked at things and it looks like we may not be able to move after all with money and all unless we can somehow find a house in our price range. So sigh. I'm trying to give it to God, and work on being content but its a hard blow

I did finally get my sewing machine cranked up and started on that skirt I've wanted to work on since I got the machine in February. Honestly I've been scared. I've never sewn anything on my own, and what I sewed before (with lots of help from my mother) was a dismal failure. Well, tonight I wanted something to concentrate on that would take my mind off life. I was working hard on it, and got it all done except putting in the elastic. Then I couldn't get any elastic. The store was out and nothing else was open. I know it sounds silly, but I was so close to being done, and it felt like the last straw.

There have been a few other things, but I would say that is a lot of it. Some other things are weighing heavily, but thats a lot of it. I know, to a sane person who is not rambling at, well now its 2:45, I am probably making no sense and it seems like no big deal, but today its all kind of piled together until it all seems like a big deal. So as my husband sleeps peacefully, I will finish this up. I know that God has all my problems already handled and figured out, but to me, right now, they seem pretty rough. So here's praying that I can give it all to Him, and have some peace. Oh, and finally go to sleep.

School Frustrations and Excitement

A while ago (like January while) I wrote about my school and all that was going on. At that point I had done a year at Clearwater Christian College (CCC). Then I took a semester off and was about to start at St. Petersburg College (SPC). I was so nervous. I had never been in a public school setting before since I was homeschooled since kindergarten, then went to a tiny Christian private school for my first year of college. Transferring to SPC was definitely the right decision, but it was not easy.

I went through my spring semester and after much going back and forth realized that it looked like I could graduate with my AA from SPC at the end of July. YAY I went and met with an advisor to check on it, and she looked at the class schedule I had and (being totally serious) suggested I get counseling because of the workload I had. Then she looked at my classes and agreed with what I had already thought, that if I took 3 rough classes this summer I could graduate in July with my AA. For those of you who don't know, an AA is an Associates in Arts degree or a two year degree.

My work load last semester was pretty crazy. Thankfully my dear husband took up the slack around the apartment since he didn't have a hard semester and encouraged me. I can't tell you how many times I called my mother super upset because my husband was doing laundry and dishes. I felt like a terrible wife because I was doing school and he was taking care of the house. My amazing, wise mother kept reminding me that it was ok. This is the period of my life I'm in. She reminded me that my husband really wanted me to get my education and the amazing man that he is was happy to help, and that it was ok. I have an amazing husband and mother!

During the spring semester I applied to the University of South Florida to enter in the fall. Isaiah goes to school there for business and they have a great social studies education program (my major). Honestly, I didn't think I would get. My grades were not stellar and to be honest, I never thought I would be good enough for a state school. It was like I had always thought I was not good enough for it, and I would be going to small schools. It was a hard time waiting to hear whether I was accepted. Honestly, I checked everyday. hehe

I ended the spring semester having a 4.0 semester (which brought my GPA to 3.2) and was so relieved to be done. I got a week off of school (so did Isaiah so it was nice) to recoup and (I thought) catch up on the house. God had different plans. Instead I got the flu, then when I was finally better, my grandmother went into the hospital. Oh well.

I started back to school with 3 classes (though they are summer and thus condensed so, according to the advisor, its considered twice the work). I have world religions (its.. interesting) and 2 sciences. UGH I'm takig oceanography and biological issues. I have to say, its different. I'm aweful at science so we will see how this goes. If anyone wants to offer tutoring..... lol

I started this semester with a bang, or my grandmother being in the hospital etc. Then this week I found out I got accepted into USF!!! I am now a bull. I am so excited. I'm really praying I can have the same schedule as my husband for fall, so we can at least drive to class together.

I am so tired of school, honestly. I can't cont the number of times I have questioned why I am doing all this. I know that God has a plan, and I'm ok with that, but sometimes its hard. My husband, thankfully is super beyond supportive and helpful, but its hard.

I have to say I'm excited to be graduating this July with my AA. I feel like its not a big deal, kind of like graduating from middle school. I feel like ok, yes I worked hard to get here, but it really does not count for much. But its something.

It will be nice going to school at the same school with Isaiah. And to being a bull (USF's mascot). So that is my school right now. How exciting. Or not.

What I'm Learning

I wanted to share some things I'm learning right now. I can't say its anything profound, but its what God is teaching me right now. 

First of all, I am learning to wait on His timing. So many things I want right now. I want to to be done with school, and now it seems like it may be longer than I thought before. I want to be done and move on with my life. I don't feel like a college student. I mean I am married, and settled into life. Its hard sometimes still being a student. Another thing is kids. I love kids and I can't wait to start a family. But on those, and other things, right now God is saying wait. I have to say I don't wait well. I have never been patient. And for God to say wait on these things and just trust is hard. Its hard because right now it feels like my life is so up in the air and its hard to just put my trust in God and know that He has everything under control. Its hard to trust Him and know that His timing is best and that I need to just relax and go with His plan. 

Another thing I'm learning right now is that my identity has to be in Christ. I've been struggling with who am I. Am I a wife, a student or what? But I was talking to Isaiah and he was saying that it doesn't matter, because I am who I am, and my identity is in Christ. I am His, the rest of my identity does not matter as much. That really made me think. All my life my identity had been wrapped up in my school, or my relationship, but that is wrong. My identity needs to be in my God. 

Finally, God's shown me what a support system I have. Since my miscarriage so many people have come up beside me and talked to me. Most of my life I've been very closed off. Its how I was raised. Its like you can't let them see you fall. But I realized that its ok. Most people understand and are there to help. Its ok to let others see you struggle. And maybe it will help them when they have a struggle. 

So that's my life. Or what I'm learning in my life. Its a wonderfuf life and I am so glad that God is still teaching me and growing me, even though that growing process is not always easy.